Angry Asshole

In the U.S., to talk about a fondness for bidets indicates either a) a pretentious disposition or b) a preference for being sodomized (a clean butthole does not guarantee but may facilitate anal exploration by others). An American's love of the bidet may also suggest that one is both pretentious and likes to be buggered (e.g. bourgeois gay white male). Yet these are not absolutes. Is it not possible for any semi-old American to enjoy the daily pleasures of a cool, soothing anal cleansing? The Protestant disposition that pervades even among non-Protestants in the U.S. denies one the admission of such Dionysian pleasures so let us shift to another approach.

The bidet is so much more hygienic than rough dry toilet paper. So uncouth and oddly primate-like to crouch over a bowl scraping and wiping. After the bidet hose-down one pats dry with a clean, re-usable towel at the ready reducing the use of toilet paper/Sears' catalogs/leaves. Not only is this more civilized than scraping with thin paper squares, but it is also more environmentally friendly since the fluffy towel can be washed and re-used. And did we mention that the bidet is healthy? A lack of chafing reduces the incidence of hemorrhoids.

The asshole grown accustomed to a daily springtime rain freshness afforded by the bidet grows angry and puckers its mouth into an inflamed pout, "How did a country so obsessed with cleanliness come to cultivate such a nasty means for cleaning the seat of its constitution?"